Spirit Fox
by A. B. Flarain
Summary: Really surprised no one thought to do this yet. The Nine-Tailed Fox inside Naruto is named after Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho, but what if Kurama WAS Kurama? We'll throw in Yoko for laughs too. Rated T for Yoko's mouth.
1. Prologue

Really surprised no one thought to do this yet. 

* * *

><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

"_Oh, my head._"  
>Kurama awoke in a dark room with a pounding head and queasy stomach. "<em>Where am I?<em>" He began groping around through the darkness and haze of a hangover. Unfortunately for him, the room began to shake violently.

"_Ow. Ow. Ow. What is with the bouncing? Oh, thank heavens that stopped." _The bouncing had stopped as suddenly as it started.

"HEY, NARUTO!" An unfamiliar voice came from nowhere at an all too high volume.

"_OW. Loud,_" Kurama muttered to himself.

"What are you doing here, Iruka-sensei?" Another strange voice replied, still a little too lound.

"_Where are these voices coming from?" _Freaked out enough by the disembodied voices yelling at each other, Kurama put his surprise on hold as he turned his head and saw his Yoko form striding towards him. He took a chance. "_Yoko, what the heck happened last night?_" The last thing Kurama could remember was checking out for the night while he let Yoko take over.

"**We may or may not be trapped in the body of a twelve-year-old boy**." His silver form replied.

"_Dang it, Yoko, you're not allowed to touch the tequila anymore_."


	2. Chapter 1: We Enter Naruto Uzumaki

The crack is slow to start.

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><p><strong>Chapter One: We Enter Naruto Uzumaki<strong>

Twelve years ago, a Nine-Tailed Fox suddenly appeared.

"**Hey. Hey guys. Check this out. I can level mountains with my tail.**"

The ninja rose up to defend their villages.

*thunk* *thunk*

"**Ow, that hurt, asshole. You are so getting a tidal wave on your house.**"

"Go home, Yoko, you're drunk."

"**Your FACE is drunk. Come on, Gama, I haven't even picked up a lovely lady yet.**"

"Most of the lovely ladies either died or ran away when you DESTROYED HALF THE VILLAGE!"

"**What? The chicks are gone? Aw FUUUUUUUUUUU—What's the blond guy doing?**"

One shinobi faced the Nine-Tailed Fox in mortal combat. He sacrificed his life to capture the beast, and seal it in a human body.

"**OH MY GOD, I'M TRIPPING BALLS!**"

* * *

><p>"<strong>And that's pretty much what happened.<strong>"

Kurama stood motionless with his head in one hand for several seconds. Finally, he spoke.

"_And we've been passed out drunk for TWELVE YEARS? Just how much did you drink?_"

"**Three.**"

"_Shots?_"

"**No, barrels.**"

"_...G-God dammit, Yoko._" Kurama returned his face to his hand, shaking it in disbelief. "_Well, since you've gotten us trapped here, where are we?_" He asked at length, feeling his way across the dark wall of the room. "_Hmmm . . . small, black room . . . only exit blocked by a cage . . . most peculiar . . ._" Kurama mused to himself.

"**You want a real giggle, raise your spiritual awareness a bit.**" Yoko said, smirking slightly. Kurama closed his eyes, attempting to sense the world outside the dark room. He was greeted by the image of a tall, brown-haired man in a green vest tying up a blonde child. Kurama's eyes popped open, and he snapped his head to stare at Yoko, who was failing to suppress his snickering. "_What is this, Yoko, really?_" Kurama asked, his voice slightly strained.

"**The blond one is who we're trapped in. Far as I can tell, the other one is his teacher.**" Yoko replied matter-of-factly.

"_And the ropes?_" Kurama asked, both eyebrows raised.

"**He's hardcore?**" Yoko said, shrugging. Kurama put hand to face for the third time that day.

"_Look, how do you know all this?_" Kurama asked, deciding to try a different tack.

"**Been up for a couple hours. I'm not such a lightweight as you.**" Yoko said dismissively, growing bored, "**Don't ask me why we've got separate bodies in here; beats the hell outta me.**"

They waited in silence for a short time, until their vessel was brought into a very average looking school room. The sensei, Iruka dumped his student unceremoniously on the ground and began to berate him for his antics once again. "I'm at the end of my rope, Naruto! You've failed the graduation test last time, and the time before that. Tomorrow you've got another chance, and you're messing up again!"

"_So we're not only stuck inside a child, but he's a delinquent to boot._" Kurama sighed.

"**What'sa matter? Mr. Valedictorian doesn't want to hang out with us lowbrows?**" Yoko teased him with mock annoyance.

"_Well, perhaps I could help him along a bit in his studies._" Kurama said, relenting. Yoko laughed.

"**What are you gonna do? Haunt his dreams?**"

Kurama pondered for a second, then quirked a half-smile.

"_Naaaaaaaruutooooooo..._" Kurama said in his best cheesy ghost voice, "_It's time to study caaaaalculuuuus..._"

"**Hey, that'd make me piss ****_my_****self.**" Yoko said, pretending to be serious. They both broke out laughing. Soon however, Kurama held up a hand. "_Wait, something's happening, they're lining up for something._" The two foxes watched as the students lined up to show off their transformation jutsus. The first two students performed admirably, transforming into flawless replications of their instructor. Next up was the foxes' blond vessel. "_Alright, let's see what this kid can do. Perhaps he's not as inept as his teacher would like us to believe._" Kurama said, hopeful. With a poof of smoke, the boy turned into a completely naked woman, barely veiled by thin wisps of steam. The streams of blood that came from their sensei's nose propelled him into the wall, while Kurama's eye's bugged out of his head. "**I like this kid.**" Yoko said, smiling. "**I think we're going to get along real well.**" Kurama, meanwhile, had returned his hand to his face. "_What did I do in a previous life to deserve this?_" He groaned.

"**...**"

"_Don't answer that._"

* * *

><p>The rest of the day passed with little incident. After class, Iruka supervised as Naruto was forced to clean the Hokage monument he had defaced earlier in the day. "You're not going home 'till you've cleaned off every single drop of paint!" Iruka called down to him.<p>

"So what? It's not like there's anyone waiting at home for me!" Naruto replied sullenly. Kurama's eyes brightened suddenly. "_Ah, now we're getting somewhere interesting,_" he said.

"**What're you talking about? He's a juvenile delinquent, and apparently an orphan. All I'm hearing is that I've doomed us to a boring life of obscurity 'till this seal is gone.**" Yoko said, yawning and crossing his arms behind his head.

"_True, possibly. But if there is one thing we've learned about delinquents, it's that we shouldn't underestimate their potential._" Kurama said solemnly. Yoko laughed.

"**What, are you saying this kid's gonna be launching blue death bullets from his fingertips?**" he asked, making a gun with his hand and flexing his thumb. Kurama shrugged and chuckled a bit. "_No, not necessarily,_" he said with a smile, "_but of all the ninja I've seen today, if anyone could do it, it's probably this kid._"

"**Figures,**" Yoko said with a snort, "**It's always the ugly little twerps with the god-like, world-ending power.**"

"_Do you even listen to yourself?_"

* * *

><p>"<strong>Welp, so much for potential.<strong>" Yoko said, crossing his arms and walking to the other side of their small room. Naruto was currently perched on a swingset, sadly staring at the graduation class. His graduation exam had been laughable, and he was now the only one to miss graduation. Kurama sighed. "_The poor child. He could really be something, if only someone gave him thirty seconds of attention,_" he said, shaking his head. Both foxes turned their heads, as Naruto was approached by a blue haired shinobi. "_Speaking of, maybe his day's turning around,_" Kurama said, smiling. Yoko frowned. "**I don't like this guy. Something's . . . off about him,**" he said, scrunching his nose.

"_What do you mean?_" Kurama asked, raising both eyebrows. He say no reason for suspicion, but he had also learned to trust Yoko's instincts. Especially about people, as he was usually spot on.

"**I dunno, but,**" he hesitated, both brows furrowed. "**He's got something else he wants, some ulterior motive,**" he finished. The two of them waited in silence, listening to the ninja and student converse on a balcony. So far, however, Mizuki, the blue-haired man had only consoled Naruto and tried to convince him of Iruka's noble intentions. "_Well, I don't see any—_" Kurama began, but he was cut off by Mizuki: "Then I guess I have to tell you."

"**Oh, here it comes,**" Yoko said, smiling smugly.

"It's a secret, but I'm gonna let you in on it..."

* * *

><p>"<em>I can't believe this.<em>" Kurama stood, or rather, Naruto stood, before a giant green scroll at the top of the Hokage's tower.

"**I know, right? They call this security?**" Yoko said laughing, his arms crossed over his chest.

"_What?_" Kurama asked, still reeling from the reality of being inside the twelve-year-old child that was currently robbing the strongest shinobi village of it's greatest treasure.

"**Yeah, between the two that were getting it on in the closet, and Bob the narcoleptic over there, this was the easiest heist I've ever pulled.**"

"_Well, yes, that is true, but I was referring to the fact that _we_ are here, inside this would-be thief. Now that you mention it, it's rather shocking that their guards are so distracted._"

"**Amateurs. Peace makes you weak and careless.**"

Naruto slowly approached the scroll and picked it up, turning it over and over in his hands. "So this is it, huh? The scroll of sealing." He mumbled to himself. He peered around the room one more time. No one. The snoring from the one remaining room guard could still be heard, muffled by the door. "Piece of cake," Naruto said to himself, as he tied the scroll to his back and scampered off towards a window. "**Might want to use the other window, kid. There's a balcony out that one.**" Yoko said absent-mindedly to his vessel. "Right, balcony," Naruto said, turning and heading for the other window. Kurama and Yoko goggled at each other. "**Did that kid just listen to me?**" Yoko asked.

"_Well,_" Kurama began in a whisper, "_Let's hold off on testing that hypothesis until we're in better circumstances._" Yoko nodded. Naruto and his two stowaways silently made their way to a wooded training area on the outskirts of the village. Yoko turned to his companion. "**Now?**" He asked. Kurama nodded. "**Hey kid, what's up?**" Yoko called loudly. Naruto nearly jumped out of his skin. "What? Who's there?" He called at the top of his lungs, frantically looking in all directions. The foxes looked at each other, confused. "_Let me try,_" Kurama said, brows furrowed; Naruto turned back to the scroll. "_You really ought to return that, Naruto,_" Kurama said aloud. Naruto's face scrunched into a grimace. "Yeah, this isn't right, but. . ." He said to himself, "I just gotta pass that test!" He growled aloud in frustration. "Anyway, this is no time to be having a fight with my conscience! There's jutsu to be learned! Let's see, the first one is. . ." he trailed off as he read the scroll. "**So he thinks we're his conscience?**" Yoko asked, quirking his head to the side.

"_Possible, but unlikely,_" Kurama mused, "_More likely, he can hear our voices, and is attributing them to his conscience, since he cannot see us._"

"**So we've just become the voices in the crazy guy's head. Or at least a little brat's imaginary friends.**" Yoko said, shaking his head. Kurama laughed.

"_Well, that's one way of putting it,_" he said. It didn't take very long for Iruka to find his pupil, but Naruto still had enough time to practice and learn the first jutsu from the scroll, so Iruka stumbled upon him out of breath and chakra. Naruto blithely explained how he could now graduate since he had mastered a jutsu from the scroll. "Huh? Where'd you get that idea?" Iruka asked in disbelief.

"Mizuki-sensei told me about it. Believe it! He told me where to find the scroll, and this place. . ." Naruto trailed off. The realization slowly dawned on Iruka. He had an opportunity to act on this realization, however; "Look out!" Iruka cried, pushing Naruto out of the way of a storm of kunai that pinned Iruka to a small shed in the training ground. "I see you've found our little hideaway," Mizuki's voice rang out from the trees. "**Called it.**" Yoko said non-chalantly. Kurama only glared at him. They then both sighed in exasperation as both instructors argued over the scroll. "**This is retarded. Wake me when something interesting happens,**" Yoko said crossing his arms behind his head and closing his eyes. "They've been lying to you your whole life, Naruto. Since the decree twelve years ago." Mizuki said with a self important smirk.

"_I think that's now._" Kurama said. Yoko popped an eye open. "Don't tell him, it's forbidden!" Iruka yelled as hard as he could.

"The decree is: no one can tell you the nine-Tailed Fox is inside _you_!" Mizuki said smugly. Naruto sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes widening as his entire body began shaking. "**Alright, reaction, emo or batshit, what's he gonna pick?**" Yoko asked aloud. Kurama just stared at him with one eyebrow raised. "The fox spirit that killed Iruka's parents and destroyed our village has taken over _your_ body. You _are_ the Nine-Tailed Fox!" Mizuki spat out.

"_Yoko! You killed this poor man's parents?_" Kurama asked, his eyes going wide, but only slightly raising his voice.

"**Alright, so I slipped a little.**" Yoko said sheepishly.

"_And landed on their house, apparently._" Kurama said, sighing and shaking his head.

"**Yeah, whatever. This isn't the first time we've killed somebody anyway.**" Yoko said dismissively.

"_Yoko, do you really want to have this conversation again?_" Kurama said, rolling his eyes at the silver fox.

"**Hell no. One rhetorical beat down on my cherished ideals is—oh hey, shuriken.**" There was, in fact, a large shuriken coming straight at Naruto.

"NARUTO, GET DOWN!"

Iruka had blocked the shuriken with his own body.

"Why?" Naruto asked.

"Because we're the same," Iruka began. "**Man, are you seeing this?**" Yoko asked, still lounging with his hands behind his head.

"_You have the attention span of an ephemera on stimulant drugs._" Kurama interjected.

"**_I'm_**** a fruit fly on crack?**" Yoko translated, "**Well then this Mizuki guy is a hippopotamus stoned out of his mind. We sitting here, having a f_ing warm and fuzzy conversation about life, and he's just sitting back on his ass.**"

"_Yes, because you've never been know to talk during a fight,_" Kurama teased, while remaining completely deadpan, "_You're just bored, and it is your own fault._" Yoko just growled and turned away.

Suddenly, the room they were in shook a little as Naruto bolted from his sensei. "Naruto!" Iruka called after him. "**Awwww, man. He picked emo,**" Yoko grumbled as they sped through the forest. Eventually Naruto stopped running and hid behind a tree. Soon after, two thuds sounded behind him, followed by scuffling. He could hear his two teachers arguing over his intentions for the scroll. At first, Naruto was heartbroken as they talked about the beast inside him, but Iruka made a distinction between the beast and Naruto himself. As Miszuki charged at Iruka with another shuriken, Naruto intercepted him with a vicious knee to the jaw. "Not bad, for a little punk," Mizuki spat out as he stood up.

"If you ever lay a hand on my sensei," Naruto ground out through grit teeth, "I'll kill you!"

"Such big words," Mizuki taunted, "I could completely destroy you with a single move."

"Take your best shot, fool," Naruto shot back, forming a handsign, "I'll give it back to you a thousandfold!"

"Let's see you try. Show me what you can do, Nine-Tailed Fox!"

"_Hey Yoko,_" Kurama said, smiling, "w_hat do you say we give this kid a little spirit energy?_"

"**Chakra.**"

"_Whatever._"

Both foxes extended their arms out, sending power out of the room and to their host.

"_Now let's just hope this doesn't feed back and incinerate us,_" Kurama said, eyes still closed.

"**'Rama,**" Yoko replied, shaking his head, "**You have ****_got_**** to learn to time shit like that better.**"

"Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

Iruka's eyes nearly fell out of his head, as the forest was filled with thousands of Narutos.

After the beat-down had been served, teacher and student shared a tender moment in the early morning light. Iruka bequeathed his headband to Naruto, officially promoting him to a genin.

"_Well, Yoko, once again your alcoholism has sent us on a magical journey._"

"**Heh, it's not the first time I've been caught in an underage boy. And it won't be the last.**"

"_God dammit, Yoko!_"

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><p>Next Time: Yoko talks about bloodflow, and Kurama gets bored and starts shipping people.<p> 


	3. Chapter 2: A brat, an emo and a fangirl

Funny thing is, I intended this to be a serious fic. Yoko had other ideas.

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><p>Chapter 2: A brat, and emo and a fangirl; I'm gonna go with foe.<p>

"**Is it bigger than a breadbox?**"

The two foxes were adjusting rather well to their new home, given the circumstances.

"_Yes._"

Given a few days, their odd life had settled into a rather predictable routine.

"**Is it ancient?**"

"_Yes._"

That is to say, mind-numbingly boring days,

"**It's the sphinx.**"

"_Correct._"

Broken up by brief moments of adventure and excitement.

"_Is it bigger than a breadbox?_"

"**No.**"

But they lived off these brief moments and found other means of passing the time.

"_It's your penis, isn't it?_"

"**You're good at this game.**"

Which is to say, they were adapting horribly to their new home.

"**God, I need a drink.**"

"_No, I think that's the last thing you need at this point._" Kurama told him flatly. Yoko merely sighed and cracked his neck.

"**Anything interesting happening topside?**" he inquired boredly.

Kurama sighed and looked upwards, even though he didn't really need to.

"_They're arguing over the ID picture,_" Kurama said, shaking his head, "_Pornography no jutsu just took out the old man._" Yoko rolled his eyes and sighed again, lying down with his hands behind his head. "_A small child just charged the Hokage and fell on his face," _Kurama said blandly, "_more arguments have ensued._"

"**Your play-by-play needs work, Red.**"

* * *

><p>"Show me a transformation!"<p>

"**How did this screw-up get an apprentice already?**" Yoko asked in disbelief.

"_Sex sells,_" Kurama replied, shaking his head. The two foxes found themselves on one of the minor streets of Konoha. Impressed with how Naruto was able to "defeat" the Hokage with a nosebleed, the Hokage's grandson, Konohamaru, had begged to be Naruto's student. After a brief review of the basics of chakra, Naruto was ready to teach his secrets of transformation.

"All right, sure, but, uh, what do I transform into?" the little boy asked. Looking around, Naruto's eyes settled on a young woman perusing a fruit stand.

"There," he said, pointing at his target "yeah, right, you can transform into her."

"No problem, here I go boss!" Konohamaru cried, forming a hand sign. "Transform!"

*Poof*

"**OH GOD, MY EYES!**"

The transformation was awful at best; the most off-putting feature was a toss-up between the obesity, the acne, and the facial hair. Unfortunately, this also got the attention of the targeted woman, who proceeded to deck Naruto in the face. "Now, now, honorable grandson, "she scolded cheerily, "next time you transform into me, make me a little cuter, okay? Ta!"

"**Ooh, I like her, she's feisty. She is definitely going on my bang list.**"

"_You realize she'll probably be dead by the time we get out of here._"

"**Details.**"

* * *

><p>"<em>I don't believe this,<em>" Kurama sighed, shaking his head.

"**Yeah, I never got softcore either,**" Yoko responded with a shrug.

"_Not what I was referring to,_" Kurama ground out through grit teeth, eyes closed.

"**Oh, you mean that this kid's 'training' is basically how to be a sexual deviant?**" Yoko pushed, chuckling.

"_Indeed,_" Kurama responded, "_this is going to be a very long day._"

"**Yeah, have fun with that,**" Yoko said, yawning, "**I'm gonna take a nap. This stuff isn't even enough to get me to—**"

"_For the love of God, Yoko, don't finish that sentence._"

* * *

><p>The rest of the day proceeded in similar fashion, spying on women to "research female beauty," followed by an extended practice session at a local training ground. At the end of the day, however, Konohamaru had mastered the technique. This was also enough time for his former teacher, Ebisu, to find them.<p>

"_Yoko, things are getting mildly interesting,_" Kurama told his lounging companion.

"**Huh?**" Yoko yawned out, "**Oh, this fruit's back.**"

"So, honorable grandson, time to go home," Ebisu told the boy smugly.

"No way!" Konohamaru yelled back, "I'm learning how to beat my grandfather, so I can get the title, Hokage! Now don't get in my way!"

"A Hokage is more than just a fighter," Ebisu began, walking towards them, "he must know virtue, honor, wisdom, and he must be skilled at a thousand jutsu. You don't even know one jutsu." Konohameru grit his teeth in anger and clasped his hands together.

"Transform!"

*Poof*

"Hi there, like my jutsu?" The smoke-clad woman asked. Ebisu's jaw hit the ground. Not literally, but it was pretty close. Nonetheless, he did not succumb to his blood flow as the Hokage had.

"Such tasteless vulgarity could never influence me!" Ebisu confirmed, yelling, "I am far above it!"

"**So he's gay?**" Yoko asked, tilting his head. Kurama sighed.

"_Yoko, not everyone is controlled by their hormones, you know,_" he said coolly. Yoko snorted.

"**Yeah, that's bull.**"

"Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

"**Whoa, is he actually gonna kick his ass?**" Yoko asked in disbelief, as the field began to fill with Narutos.

"Transform!" All of the clones activated their jutsus in unison, and the field was now full of naked women.

"_Apparently not,_" Kurama said in exasperation.

Ebisu was launched halfway across the field by the double streams of blood from his nose.

"**You know, I never got the Japanese's penchant for nosebleeds,**" Yoko said, watching the twitching ninja, "**Always seemed like a waste of perfectly good blood to me.**"

"_It is a little odd, I suppose,_" Kurama responded, trying not to engage.

"**It could be put to so much better use elsewhere.**" Yoko continued, smirking evilly.

"_..._"

"**I'm talking about my—**"

"_I got that!_"

* * *

><p>The next few days passed without incident, until Naruto's first day of class arrived. Naruto sat in his kitchen, slowly shaking out his fatigue and eating his breakfast of instant ramen.<p>

"_Perhaps we'll have a little more to do now,_" Kurama mused; the two sat cross-legged in their small room, watching the boy eat breakfast.

"**God, I hope so. But we should probably lay some ground-**"Yoko cut off, scrunching his nose, "**do you smell something?**"

"_What is it?_" Kurama asked, tilting his head.

"**Smells like . . . sour milk.**" Yoko said at length. Kurama's brow furrowed a bit in thought, but suddenly his eyes shot wide open.

"_Naruto! Check the date on that milk!_" he yelled out.

"Huh? The date?" Naruto mumbled to himself, staring blearily at the carton in his hand. "Aww, maaaaaan," he moaned, "this is way past its date. Now what am I gonna drink?" He continued to grumble about the bad start to his first day as he finished off the ramen. Kurama breathed out a sigh of relief. "_Dodged a bullet there,_" he said, making a show of wiping his forehead.

"**Alright, ground rules are 'do whatever the hell we want,' I like it,**" Yoko replied smiling.

"_Well, I just don't see why we shouldn't help the lad,_" Kurama told him, shrugging, "_we have a lot of expertise, and he could _use_ a bit of a hand._"

"**Fair point,**" Yoko admitted resignedly.

One short walk and failed Konohamaru sneak attack later, Naruto arrived at his school building. Walking in like he owned the place, with his hands resting behind his head, he strolled down the aisle of desks and took his seat in the same row as the brooding Sasuke Uchiha.

"**What the hell is wrong with his hair?**" Yoko asked, scrunching his face and recoiling.

"_What do you mean?_" Kurama replied, confused.

"**It looks like a duck's ass!**" Yoko shouted, throwing his hands out. Kurama stared for a few moments, blinking.

"_Oh my gosh, you're right. It does,_" he said at last, cracking up. They were jolted from their laughter by the voice of another classmate, Shikamaru Nara: "What are you doing here, Naruto? This isn't for dropouts, you can't be here unless you graduate."

"**Nice try, pineapple,**" Yoko said, snickering at the boy's hair, which was tied up in a spiky stack. Kurama merely laughed again, shaking his head. "**Hey, I wouldn't laugh if I were you, fluffy,**" Yoko said, turning on Kurama and pointing at him.

"_Please,_" Kurama replied, running his hands through his long mane of red hair, "_you don't like my long, luscious locks?_" They both broke out laughing again, and were both interrupted again, this time by two girls bursting into the classroom. "I'm first!" they both yelled, and then proceeded to fight over who exactly _was_ first. Naruto looked on with a blush on his face.

"**Heads up, 'Rama; kiddo's got a crush on pinky here.**" Yoko said, pointing to Sakura, the girl with long pink hair, running towards them. "Hi Sakura! What's up?" Naruto called.

"Move it!" She replied, shoving him to the ground.

"_Ouch._" Kurama said, wincing. As the blushing Sakura asked the still brooding Sasuke's permission to sit next to him, Kurama added, "_Oh, great. Love triangles. It's going to be a _very_ long year._"

"**Are you kidding?**" Yoko asked, laughing, "**This is gonna be ****_hilarious._**" By this time, all the girls in the class had joined in on an argument over who would be sitting next to Sasuke. Yoko began laughing again. "**This kid reminds me of you a little bit,**" he said, elbowing Kurama.

"_Too soon,_" Kurama replied, covering his eyes with one hand, "_the pain is still fresh._"

"**'Rama, that was over a thousand years ago,**" Yoko said with an exasperated look.

"_And the pain is still fresh!_" Kurama shot back, with his hand held out dramatically. He sighed and shook his head, "_Those fangirls were so dense sometimes, it was sad,_" He said, actually serious now.

"**Yeah, yeah, real tragedy,**" Yoko replied, rolling his eyes, "**Now what's going on here?**" At this point, Naruto was crouching on the desk in front of Sasuke; the two were engaged in an intense staring match.

"_He appears to be staring down the competition,_" Kurama said with a sigh. Suddenly, Yoko's eyes shot wide open.

"**Stranger danger! Jump!**" He yelled.

Let it never be said that Naruto Uzumaki was not one to listen to his impulses.

He began to extend his legs in a jump just as the student in the row in front of him turned around for a better look. In the process, he bumped Naruto with his elbow, sending the crouching ninja crashing down on top of Sasuke. "Bah, what the hell?" the Uchiha yelled at him once they had disentangled, "I _did not_ ask to start the day with your balls in my face!" Naruto, however, did not have time to explain himself, as every girl in the class proceeded to knock him senseless, in defense of their idol's honor. "_Well, almost,_" Kurama sighed, "_I still don't know how you sensed that._"

"**My back door is always well-protected,**" Yoko replied, smirking. Kurama sighed again.

"_Can we not do this so early?_"

* * *

><p>Everyone in the class sat with baited breath. Their sensei, Iruka, had just explained the ins and outs of the training going forward: three-man squads, each headed by a jounin, each squad's skills carefully balanced. This kind of thing had the potential to make or break lives. Friendships, crushes, and lifelong bonds could be formed or divided by these team lines. This was the most important moment. Of. Their. Lives.<p>

Or so they thought.

"Squad Seven: Naruto Uzumaki, Sakura Haruno,"

Naruto cheered. Sakura hung her head.

"and Sasuke Uchiha."

Sakura cheered. Naruto hung his head.

"**This is ****_retarded._**" Yoko sneered.

"_I know,_" Kurama told him sympathetically, "_but they're only twelve, cut them some slack._" Yoko growled, shaking his head. Kurama's foresight was not shared among the students, however, as arguments ensued all over the place. Iruka put a stop to it by dismissing everyone for lunch. Sasuke took off like a shot, hoping to escape a torrent of lunch invitations. Sakura took off right behind him, but she lost him in the hallways. Depressed, she stopped just outside the school gates, as Naruto walked up behind her. "Hey Sakura," he called, "since we're in the same group, I was thinking we could have lunch together and get to know each other."

"Why would I eat lunch with _you_?" Sakura asked, voice dripping with disgust, "How could that thought even cross your mind?"

"**Ouch. Bitch.**" Yoko said, frowning.

"_Blunt, certainly,_" Kurama added. Naruto attempted recovery: "But, you know, we're in the same group, so I just though that. . ." his voice trailed off. Sakura's brow furrowed as she scowled at him. "Naruto," she ground out, "you're _annoying._"

"**Oooh, scathing,**" Yoko said, as sarcastically as he could.

"_Indeed,_" Kurama said, stone-faced.

* * *

><p>Sakura ate her lunch alone and forlorn on a park bench. Setting her bento aside, she sighed and rested her chin in her hands, inwardly agonizing about the abnormally large size of her forehead and how it was the main obstacle keeping her from her beloved Sasuke. Looking up, she saw Sasuke leaning against a tree, with a positively lady-killing smile.<p>

"**Wow, I can't believe this kid is pulling this off.**"

"_Indeed, perhaps we haven't given him enough credit._"

"Sakura," Sasuke called out, "your forehead is so wide and charming, it makes me feel like kissing it." He was standing over her now, as she looked up, blushing.

"**Not bad, kid, keep it up**"

"_Indeed, that was surprisingly well thought out._"

"Just kidding, that's the kind of dumb thing that Naruto would say," Sasuke continued, his smirk never faltering. Sakura, Kurama, and Yoko hung their heads. "I wanna ask you something," Sasuke began again, sitting next to her, "Naruto, what do you think of him?"

"He knows about my feelings, and he purposely tries to get in the way," Sakura told him, looking down, "He enjoys interfering and making me feel bad. Naruto. . . he doesn't understand one single thing about me. He's just annoying." She paused, deciding to push her luck. "A-all I really want," she began again," is for you to accept me, Sasuke, that's all."

"_Poor child._"

Yoko merely pursed his lips.

"You just want me to accept you?" Sasuke asked, shocked. Sakura looked up, blushing.

"Yes, that's how I feel," she said shyly, "I'd do anything for that." She turned to him, closing her eyes, puckering her lips slightly and slowing moving towards the boy.

"**Oh shit.**"

Kurama merely smiled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, across town, the real Sasuke struggled against his bonds. He had no idea that his assailant, Naruto, who had tied him up in a shed to take his identity with a transformation jutsu, was about to get him some action just outside the school.<p>

* * *

><p>"It's true," Sakura said quietly, eyes still closed, face still moving forward, "I'm desperate."<p>

The couple moved closer. . .closer. . .

"_Naruto, tilt your head to the left, you're going to bump noses._" Kurama told him coolly.

"**What the hell Kurama?**" Yoko shouted, "**I mean, I'm all for 'get 'em while they're desperate,' but I wouldn't expect you to be into this!**" Kurama merely shrugged.

"_I'm just giving a few confused kids a little help,_" he said simply. Yoko's eyes were still bugged out as he shook his head and looked away. Meanwhile, the two kids were still moving, closer and closer.

Then, Sakura opened her eyes. "Naruto, how dare you!" she screeched. She was now looking at a black-haired Naruto, wearing the Uchiha clan jacket and orange pants. Kurama slapped his hand against his face. "_He got so excited, he let the transformation slip,_" he sighed. Naruto found himself on the ground, face stinging from Sakura's slap. "I'm sorry!" he yelled, "I just. . ."

"You just _what_?" Sakura spat out.

"_I just wanted to talk to you._"

Both foxes' eyes went wide, as Kurama and Naruto spoke in unison. Kurama then shrugged and proceeded with damage control.

"_To know what you really thought of me. When you started moving in, I just-I-I_"

"**I panicked,**" Yoko finished for him, "**Can you really blame me, though? You're so pretty, I just—I'm sorry, I'll go.**"

"_Now leave, Naruto, walk away_, _there's no more you can do,_" Kurama advised. Naruto sulked away, a little surprised at how that apology just came to him. "Naruto, wait," Sakura called after him. She was a little creeped out at how quiet and deep his voice had gotten, but she _had_ been the one to try and initiate the kiss. "I'm sorry too," she said after he had turned around, "I shouldn't have assumed the worst." The fox duo high-fived each other, smiling. Sakura's expression darkened, "But if you ever try that again, you'll pay," she finished, cracking her knuckles.

"You got it!" Naruto said, laughing and scratching the back of his neck. "I screwed up, I know, but I'll never try trick you again. Believe it!" he called out, waving as he walked away.

"**We have ****_got_**** to get this kid a better catch-phrase,**" Yoko groaned.

"_Why not?_" Kurama asked, smiling, "_Go for it._"

"**Ha ha, sure. Can I get him a few chicks to bang, while I'm at it?**"

"_Yoko._"

"**Come on, how many? What's my limit? Two? Three?**"

"_Yoko, please._"

"**Ten it is, then.**"

"_YOKO!_"

* * *

><p>Next time: We learn what every ninja needs, and we get to see the ultimate jutsu.<p> 


	4. Chapter 3: A Whole Lotta Fail

Jeez, so much talking. Hard to make humor.

* * *

><p>Chapter 3: Pass or Fail? Fail. A Whole Lotta Fail.<p>

"_Well, that was a close call._"

"**I still can't believe I just watched a man cockblock ****_himself._**"

"_Indeed._"

"**So, uh, Kurama, if you don't mind my asking. . .**"

"_Yes?_"

"**WHAT THE HELL WAS THE PLAN BACK THERE?**"

Kurama grinned sheepishly and shrugged.

"_To be honest, I was kind of playing it by ear._"

"**So that whole, 'helping a few confused kids' thing was total bullshit?**" Yoko only half-asked.

"_I was working with what I had,_" Kurama replied, slightly annoyed.

"**Heh. Whatever. This just doesn't seem like you.**"

"_Tell me we have something better to do._"

"**Fair point. ** **Just leave me out of it,**" Yoko said dismissively, reclining with his eyes closed.

"_Really? I'd think you'd be the one leading the charge on this,_" Kurama tried to goad him a bit.

"**Peh. Yeah. But knowing you,**" Yoko cracked an eye, "**you're aiming for some long-term, relationship, love crap. You wanna get him f_ed, I'm your man.**"

"_Yes, yes,_" Kurama told him, waving his hand dismissively, "_If I want an orgy, you'll be the first one I call. You're on my orgy hotline._" Yoko stared askance at him, his brow both raised and scrunched together.

"_That came out wrong._"

Yoko lost it, and laughed until he couldn't breathe.

* * *

><p>Naruto ate his lunch in solitude in his classroom, as the remaining students filed in from their break. In short order, the jounin teachers came to retrieve their squads: the elegant, red-eyed Kurenai, the gruff, bearded Asuma, and several others not worth noting. After the initial commotion had died down, the students filed out in orderly fashion, but team seven was left without a sensei. Naruto paced and grumbled, looking out the door every few seconds, while Sakura sighed a lot, and Sasuke brooded.<p>

"**Hey 'Rama?**"

"_Yeah?_"

"**Where'd he get a stepstool?**"

"_God only knows._"

"Hey! What are you doing?" Sakura cried out as Naruto set up a footstool before the door, an eraser in hand. Naruto snickered mischievously as he wedged the eraser in the door, to fall on the head of whoever entered next.

"**Really? This is what we do in Japan? We have to use erasers instead of water buckets? God, I hate this country.**"

"_Which would explain why you've lived in it for most of your life, outside Demon World._"

"**F_ you.**"

Kurama smiled. In the meantime, the kids were arguing about the prank, but they were cut short when their sensei entered the room. He awkwardly stuck his head in first and was conked by the eraser. Naruto laughed and mocked the jounin, Sakura apologized and groveled, and Sasuke brooded. Slowly, their instructor bent over and picked up the eraser, considering it with his other hand on his chin. "Hmm . . . how can I put this," he said at length, "My first impression of this group. . ." He paused dramatically. "You're a bunch of idiots."

"**Ditto, bro.**"

"_Indeed._"

* * *

><p>"Alright, why don't you introduce yourselves, one at a time."<p>

The newly formed squad had moved to the roof for introductions and instructions. The three students sat on a set of shallow steps that spanned the roof, while their sensei reclined against the railing.

"Introduce ourselves? Well. . .what are we supposed to say?" Sakura asked.

"Things you like, things you hate," her sensei replied boredly, "dreams. . .for the future, hobbies, things like that."

"Why don't you tell us stuff first, I mean, before we talk, tell us about you, so we can see how it's supposed to work," Naruto replied, confused.

"**God, kid, this is not that hard.**"

"Me? I'm Kakashi Hatake. Things I like and things I hate. . .I don't feel like telling you that. My dreams for the future. . .never really thought about it. As for my hobbies. . .eh. . .I have lots of hobbies."

"**M'kay. In other words, F_ you, kid.**"

"Okay, your turn. You on the right, you first," Kakashi told Naruto.

"Believe it! I'm Naruto Uzumaki. I like instant. . ." he began, while Yoko sighed with his head in one hand.

"**Blah, blah, blah, ramen, blah, blah, blah, Hokage. Ramen, ramen, hokage, God this kid like to hear himself talk.**"

"_No wonder you two get along so well,_" Kurama replied with his arms crossed. Yoko flipped him off.

". . . Somebody important!" Naruto finished. Yoko snorted.

"**Yeah, fat chance kid.**"

"All right, next," Kakashi commanded, still sounding like he was bored out of his mind.

"I'm Sakura Haruno!" Sakura piped up cheerily, "What I like. . .Uh. . . I mean, the person I like is. . ."

"**Duck-ass.**"

"Uh, my hobby is, uh. . ."

"**Stalking Duck-ass.**"

"My dream for the future is . . ."

"**To ride Duck-ass's co—**"

"_Must you do the running commentary?_" Kurama cut him off, dropping his arms and sighing.

"**Fine, I won't say anything until Duck-ass is finished, spoil sport,**" Yoko replied, crossing his arms and looking away.

"Last one." Kakashi said simply. Sakura giggled again.

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha," the dark haired boy began without moving or showing any emotion, "I _hate_ a lot of things, and I don't particularly _like_ anything. What I have is not a dream, because I _will_ make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and destroy a certain someone." Kakashi stared blankly at the boy. Silence reigned for a full minute.

"**Wow, this Sasuke kid needs to get laid.**"

"_Yoko, you say that about everyone,_" Kurama told him, rolling his eyes.

"**So? Doesn't make it less true,**" Yoko justified, "**Look, all I'm saying is he could use a girlfriend to mellow him out a bit. Besides, I don't think bubblegum here needs to get laid.**" Kurama raised an eyebrow at him. "**She needs a bitch-slap. And Tropicana-jumpsuit over there needs a girlfriend ****_and_**** a bitch-slap. And probably some Ritalin.**" Kurama sighed and rolled his eyes again.

"_Oh? And what does their sensei need?_" Kurama asked, gesturing to the man on the railing.

"**Him? He needs to get laid.**"

Kurama hung his head, but held up one finger, acknowledging the point.

"_Okay, I walked right into that one._"

* * *

><p>Everyone was grumpy the next morning, especially as their sensei was nowhere to be found once they had reached the training ground he had directed them to.<p>

"_This still doesn't make any sense._"

"**What, the survival exercise?**" Yoko yawned.

"_Yes. He said the purpose was to weed out candidates. But then why the squads?_" Kurama mused, stroking his chin, "_Ninja teams operate in four-man squads, don't they?_"

"**Yeah, and?**" Yoko asked, reclining on his back and yawning.

"_Why would they form squads just to eliminate some and re-form the squads? And why did he tell them not to eat breakfast? The proper thing to do is eat a light breakfast that's easy to digest. Nothing he said makes sense. . ._" Kurama trailed off.

"**Give it a rest, will ya?**"

"_Fine._"

* * *

><p>"<strong>GRAH, WHY AM I ALWAYS WAITING?<strong>"

It had been five hours since the three had arrived. Very little had been said between them, and Yoko was beginning to go out of his mind.

"_Perhaps it's punishment for your past sins,_" Kurama chided.

"**Well if it is, God's a total dick,**" Yoko replied dismissively.

"_Come on,_" Kurama began teasingly, "_we both know God._" He paused. "_And yeah, I guess he kind of is,_" he finally conceded, shrugging. Yoko merely growled.

"Morning everyone. Ready for your first day?" Kakashi had finally arrived.

"Hey! You're late!" all three children cried in unison. Yoko yawned and stood up, muttering something profane.

"Well, a black cat crossed my path, so I had to take the long way," Kakashi explained with a smile. Yoko burst out laughing.

"**I like this guy. He just doesn't give a rat's ass about anything,**" he said through snickers.

Kakashi proceeded to explain the exercise. Each candidate had to take a bell from their sensei by noon. No bell, no lunch, and the failures would be tied up and forced to watch the others eat.

"_Well, that answers one question,_" Kurama said, brows furrowed.

Sakura noticed there were only two bells in his hand, and Kakashi explained that was to ensure someone's failure. "_Still makes no sense,_" Kurama muttered. Kakashi allowed the use of weapons, despite Sakura's protests and Naruto's taunts.

"When I say start, you can begin," Kakashi finished. Suddenly, Naruto pulled a kunai from his holster and charged straight at his sensei.

"**Oh, God, here we go,**" Yoko sighed, rubbing half of his face, "**Dumbass.**" Before anyone could blink, Kakashi was behind the boy, holding Naruto's arm behind him so the kunai was at the boy's own neck.

"Don't be in such a hurry," Kakashi scolded him, "I didn't say start yet." Sasuke and Sakura stepped back in shock, while Kurama and Yoko merely sighed. "But," Kakashi began again, "you came at me with the full intention of destroying me so. . .how can I say this? I'm actually starting to like you guys. Get ready. Aaaaaand. . .Start!"

* * *

><p>"<em>I don't believe this.<em>"

Kakashi and Naruto stared each other down in the middle of the field. The other two trainees had hidden themselves, badly.

"**They do realize the whole point of 'cover' is to not have a giant hole in your cover, right?**"

"_Apparently not. Although, they are still ahead of us; Naruto seems to think the best cover is grinning like an idiot._"

"You know, compared to the others, you're a little bit. . ." Kakashi began

"_Hyper?_"

"**Retarded?**"

"Weird," Kakashi finished.

"Oh yeah?" Naruto shot back, "The only thing weird here is your haircut!"

"**Oh, scathing.**"

"_That's also hardly the only thing weird here. It's probably one of the most normal._"

Naruto charged his sensei once again, but stopped short as Kakashi reached into his satchel. To everyone's surprise, he pulled out an orange book, and began reading. When Naruto asked why, Kakashi simply replied, "Why? To find out what happens in the story of course."

Yoko laughed and added, "**God, I love this guy.**"

"Don't let it bother you," Kakashi began again, "with your weak attacks, it doesn't really matter if I'm reading or . . . whatever." Naruto growled fiercely and charged again.

"I'm going to crush you!" was his battle cry. His attack was completely ineffectual. True to his word, reading in no way inhibited Kakashi's ability to block and duck, as well as to mysteriously vanish and appear behind his assailant.

"Don't let your enemy get behind you all the time," Kakashi chided.

"**Oh shit!**" Yoko suddenly cried out.

"_What?_" Kurama asked, concerned.

"**Tha—that's**" Yoko stuttered.

"Too late," Kakashi said, as cool as ever, before he yelled, "Leaf Village Secret Finger Jutsu! One Thousand Years of Death!" He stabbed Naruto with two fingers, right in the behind, and sent him flying into a nearby river.

"**That's the most powerful jutsu known to man.**" Yoko said solemnly, now that he had recovered.

"_WHAT?_" Kurama cried in disbelief.

"**Well, yeah. I mean, he didn't do the whole 'focus his chakra and rip him to pieces from the inside out' thing, but still pretty effective.**" Yoko replied, nodding his head with his arms crossed.

"_I honestly can't tell when you're pulling my leg anymore. How do you know all this?_" Kurama asked, blinking.

"**Oh, come on. You're not the only one who studies.**"

"_Yes, but I don't prop a Playboy in front of my text book._"

"**Hey, those things are out of print by now, they're very collectable,**" Yoko replied, nodding; but his eyes suddenly went wide. "**Oh shit. I forgot who I left in charge back at the lair! All my treasure is in danger.**"

"_Serves you right for trying to continue robbing and plundering._"

"**Please, Kurama, we all agreed on this. The correct term now is 'treasure hunting.'**"

"_I still don't know how you got Koenma to agree to that._"

Yoko merely smiled.

Meanwhile, Naruto had fished himself out of the river. Kakashi taunted him a bit about his empty stomach before walking away. As soon as his back was turned, a group of Naruto's shadow clones leapt from the river and ran at the jounin. They merely served as a distraction, however; as Kakashi was once again taunting Naruto's lack of skill, he was grabbed from behind. Soon, all the clones had grabbed onto Kakashi, holding him in place. "This is for nailing me in the butt earlier!" Naruto yelled as he leapt at his sensei. Yoko snickered at his choice of words, but Kurama was a little more focused.

"_No! Go for the bell!_" He screamed. Naruto was unable to change his trajectory, however, and proceeded to punch. . .himself. In the blink of an eye, Kakashi was replaced by another Naruto clone. All of the clones proceeded to fight over who was the imposter. That is, physically fight. Kurama sighed and held his head, rubbing the side of his temple; Yoko laughed out loud at the stupidity. Once Naruto had dispersed his clones, he looked around to find himself alone in the field. A small gleam caught his eye by a nearby tree. "A bell?!" he cried in surprise, "I must have got to him with my attack. He dropped a bell!"

"_He—He couldn't possibly be that stupid. Could he?_" Kurama asked, visibly worried about the answer. Naruto ran towards the bell, laughing.

"**He could.**"

Suddenly Naruto was lifted from the ground by his legs and was left swinging from a tree, tied by his ankles, complaining all the while. Kakashi walked over and picked up the bell, lecturing Naruto on obvious traps as Kurama beat his head on the wall of his cell.

"A ninja must" *thunk* "see through" *thunk* "deception." *thunk*

"**Take it easy 'Rama,**" Yoko tried to calm him down, "**My emergency flask is here, if you need it.**" Yoko reached into his robe and withdrew a small, silver flask, shaking it welcomingly.

"_How did you even—_" Kurama began, but cut himself off.

Yoko shrugged and hummed 'I dunno.' "**But I don't question good fortune.**" He held out the flask for several moments, but tucked it back when Kurama made no motion to take it. "**We'll just save that for later, then.**" He looked up. "**Now, what's been going on top—oh hey, shuriken.**" They both returned their focus to the outside world, just in time to see Kakashi take eight shuriken to the side of the face. Predictably, he turned into a log, as both Sasuke and Sakura sprang into motion to change position.

"**God, you all suck.**"

"_Indeed._"

* * *

><p>Several screams rang out throughout the forest.<p>

"**Okay, Marie Antoinette, Martha Washington, and Cathrine the Great.**"

"_Well, if I married Marie, she'd take down my empire . . . and I think I 'd have to kill Cathrine . . ._"

"**Oh, hey, he cut himself down.**"

"_3...2...1..._"

"**And he's back up. You were saying?**"

* * *

><p>"<strong>Kurama, how are we supposed to help a kid who's too stubborn to listen to us? He's literally too dumb to live.<strong>"

Kurama shrugged. "_We're smart. We'll figure something out._"

Naruto had once again cut himself down after spying his sensei's bentos on the Konoha Memorial Stone. He laughed evilly. "Sensei told us if we don't get a bell, then we don't get any lunch, but if I eat my lunch now, then there's nothing he can do. It's chowtime!"

"_2. . .1. . ._"

"Hi there."

"AAAAAAhhhhhh...I was just joking, sensei."

"Nice try."

* * *

><p>"<strong>What is it with getting tied up today?<strong>"

All these students were gathered again in front of two bentos; Naruto was tied to a post for his previous attempt on the boxes.

"Uh-oh, stomach's growling huh? That's too bad," Kakashi taunted. "Oh, by the way, about this exercise? Well, I've decided. I won't send any of you back to the academy."

"What? I passed?" Sakura asked, shocked, "All I did was faint and fall over. Do you get points for that?"

"**Truly, you are a hero to your gender.**"

Sakura and Naruto began an exuberant celebration, but Kakashi spoke again, "That's right. All three of you . . . are being dropped from the program. Permanently."

Silence.

Then the hissy fit.

"You can't just change your mind and kick us out! Why would you do that?" Naruto was practically foaming at the mouth, struggling against his bonds.

"Because you don't think like ninja," Kakashi explained. "You think like little kids. Like brats."

"_Normally, I'd be inclined to agree with you,_" Kurama began with his head tilted, "_however, given the fact that they're twelve years old . . . _"

"**Yeah, how does it feel to be the only mature adult here?**" Yoko asked his fellow fox with a toothy grin.

Just then Sasuke charged at his sensei. Kurama sighed.

"You think it's all about you," Kakashi said from atop his student, having easily disarmed the charge, "You don't know what it means to be a ninja. You think it's a game, huh? Why do you think we put you on squads? Did you ever consider that question for one moment?"

"I—I don't know what you mean," Sakura said nervously.

"I _mean_," Kakashi continued, "you never realized what this exercise is all about. Not even close."

"_Maybe they never expected you to _lie_ to them,_" Kurama put in annoyed.

"What it's about?" Naruto was baffled.

"**Wait, you figured it out?**" Yoko was also confused.

"Yes," Kakashi replied to Naruto, "that's what determines whether you pass or fail."

"_It's a teamwork thing,_" Kurama replied to Yoko during the break in conversation, "_he tricked them._"

"But that's—I mean, I wanted to ask you about that from the beginning," Sakura offered, still nervous.

"Tch. Use your head," Kakashi scoffed, "Three people on a squad, why do you think we would do that?"

Naruto growled loudly, "How are we supposed to know why you picked three people? We didn't make the rules!"

"It's so basic," Kakashi had moved from anger to exasperation, "_Teamwork!_"

Silence.

"Just working together? Is that what you mean?" Sakura offered.

"That's what I mean," Kakashi answered, "It's too late now, but if all three of you came at me, you might have been able to take them. Well, anyway, it's over."

"**Yeah, okay, I take it back. This guy's an ass.**"

"_Have to agree there._"

Suddenly, Sakura caught on. "You set it up with three people, but only two bells. If we worked together and got the bells, only two of us could keep them; that would lead to group conflict and the squad would break up."

"Exactly," Kakashi sighed, "I purposely pitted you against each other. I wanted to see if you could overcome that and put the squad ahead of yourselves. A genin should—"

"**God, this guy likes to hear himself talk,**" Yoko butted in.

"_You keep running into that today. Must be why you liked him so much; you have so much in common,_" Kurama retorted, crossing his arms and closing his eyes.

"**Takes one to know one, eh?**" Yoko snorted and rolled his eyes. "**Anyway,**" he continued,** "while he's lecturing them on the dangers of trusting someone over thirty, what's our next move? If blondie's being dropped—oh hey, kunai—we're gonna have a whole lotta nothing to do.**"

"_Hmmm..._" Kurama pursed his lips, "_Well, there's always the possibility he's a bit of a rogue; he may not actually be able to drop us. But I'm not convinced there's nothing more afoot here._" Yoko snorted again, before Kurama looked up and continued, "_He's apparently determined to get his name on the war memorial now; being a martyr might be fun. But yes, I agree, otherwise, we'll drive each other crazy in here._"

Yoko snickered.

"**You'd make a good martyr. You made a pretty good career out of getting the shit kicked outta you.**"

Kurama smiled. "_I made a _very _good career out of it._" They shared a small laugh before turning their attention back to the outside world. Things had gotten too quiet.

"Alright," Kakashi suddenly spoke, "I'm going to give you one more chance."

"_Here it comes._"

"You'll have three hours to get a bell. Eat lunch now to build up strength. But! Naruto doesn't get any."

"_There it is. If they don't get this, they really don't deserve to graduate._"

"It's your punishment for breaking the rules and trying to eat by yourself. And if anyone tries to feed him, that person will immediately fail."

"**That's . . . actually pretty weak. What the hell? That's almost too easy! The logic sucks on its face!**"

"I make the rules. You follow them. Got it?"

"_Foxes have always had issues following the rules._"

* * *

><p>Sasuke and Sakura ate in silence. Except, of course, for the sound of Naruto's stomach growling. Despite his vehement protests that he could last forever without food, his stomach continued to call him out on it. Sasuke sighed and offered his bento with a simple "Here." Kurama breathed out in relief.<p>

"_They finally got it._"

"Huh?" Sakura asked in shock, "No Sasuke, you can't do that! You heard what the sensei said!"

"_Oh my God, really?!_" Kurama cried in exasperation, "_She's supposed to be the smart one!_" He groaned and held his head with one hand.

"**Take it easy there bro. Duck-ass has got this.**"

"_I can only handle so much stupidity for so long,_" Kurama sighed.

"**How the hell did you put up with Kuwabara for so long?**"

"_Yukina liked him,_" Kurama replied, smiling, "_And usually his antics didn't have a lasting effect on my life._"

"**So you just had a soft spot for short-stack's sister?**" Yoko laughed, "**What is it with you and the blue-haired chicks?**"

"_She was a sweetheart,_" Kurama retorted, "_and besides, Kuwabara wasn't _that _dumb._"

"**I notice you aren't denying the blue hair thing,**" Yoko calmly replied, smiling.

"_Oh, knock it off._"

"**Hey, tender moment, Pinky's feeding the loudmouth.**"

Both foxes smiled as Naruto bit the small bit of rice from Sakura's chopsticks, right before a huge cloud of smoke exploded on the field.

"YOU!" Kakashi yelled, emerging from the smoke, "You broke the rules. I hope you're ready for the punishment." He made several handsigns, summoning a cover of dark clouds and lightning.

"**Dude! I've gotta figure out how to do that!**"

"Any last words?" Kakashi asked.

"_We win._"

"**You're an asshole.**"

"B-b-but you said. . ." Naruto began nervously.

"Yes?" Kakashi prompted, with a dangerous look in his eye.

"You said that there were three of us! That's what you said! And that's why . . . Sakura . . . and . . ." Naruto trailed off, but that was enough. Sasuke and Sakura jumped to his defense, proclaiming the good of the team; the three of them are one, they said.

"The three of you are one? That's your excuse?" Kakashi leaned down to look them in the eye as he spoke.

"Hmph. You pass," He said smiling.

* * *

><p>"<strong>Kurama?<strong>"

"_Yeah?_"

"**At the risk of repeating myself, what is with this kid and getting tied up?**"

"_A better question is: what kind of a team leaves a teammate tied up to starve, directly following a lecture on teamwork?_"

"**Really, if they're not careful, he's going to get a bondage fetish.**"

"_You're not even listening to me are you?_"

"**You better take care of that during your whole, 'get him a nice girl' plot, I don't want to have to watch any kinky shit.**"

"_Yoko, really? You are the king of, as you put it, 'kinky shi—' wait a minute._"

"**What?**"

"_If we're stuck in him until he grows up. . .and if he gets married. . .Yoko, we're closing our eyes for that._"

"**Heh, heh. Maybe you are. I'll be right there, giving him tips straight from the master. Hey you think if I sent some chakra his way I could make his—**"

"_Yoko, please!_"

* * *

><p>Next Time: Yoko talks about behavioral disorders, biology and bureaucracy. And I try to move as fast as possible.<p>

P.S. Fun fact: Sasuke throws six shuriken (and kunai) at Kakashi, but there are twelve stuck in the log after the substitution. A/N


	5. Chapter 4: Journey to Limbo

I really hate the Land of Waves. Zabuza fight was getting too long, so I'm splitting off a short chapter.

* * *

><p>Chapter 4: A dangerous mission: Journey to Limbo—I Mean, the Land of Waves.<p>

"_I can't believe we're doing this._"

"**I know, right?**"

"_My respect for the 'Great Shinobi Nations' is plummeting by the second._"

"**Really, we should have known. If anyone could make being a ninja boring as hell, it's these people.**"

"Can you verify ribbon on right ear?"

"_I keep thinking that one of these days, I'm just going wake up and you'll have just spiked my drink with acid or something._"

"CAN'T WE GET A BETTER MISSION THAT THIS? I HATE CATS!"

"**It's too early for this shit.**"

* * *

><p>"<strong>Huh. Animal abuse no jutsu.<strong>"

"_I feel like I'm slowly going insane._"

Squad Seven found itself in the Hokage's office after its last successful mission, watching their employer slowly crush their recent quarry, her cat, to death.

"Now then," the Hokage spoke up, "for squad seven's next mission, we have several available tasks. Among them, babysitting the chief counselor's three year old; helping his wife to do the shopping, digging up potatoes—"

"**Wait a minute, why is the old man doing all this?**" Yoko broke in; Naruto was busy complaining as well, but Yoko continued, "**This place's bureaucracy sucks ass. Doesn't he know how to delegate? It's a wonder they get anything done.**" Kurama shrugged.

"_He seems to be doing a good enough job with it._"

"Naruto!" the Third Hokage broke in, "It seems you do not understand the tasks you have been given. Listen. Many different kinds of requests come into our village everyday; from babysitting to assassinations." The elderly man continued with his explanation of mission ranks, but Yoko went on a tangent of his own again. "**Wait, I just thought of something. Who the hell hires a NINJA to BABYSIT for them? WHAT THE ACTUAL F _?**"

"_Apparently, the chief counselor seems to think it's a good idea,_" Kurama replied.

"**Ah, right, bureaucrats,**" Yoko answered, calming down, "**Heh, maybe I did spike our drinks with acid.**" Both foxes rubbed the side of their face.

"_Hang on,_" Kurama spoke up suddenly, pointing up, "_things are moving, apparently we're getting a C._"

"**Oooh, maybe we'll get to unclog a toilet.**"

* * *

><p>"<strong>~A knight without armor in a savage land~<strong>"

"_~We're stuck with a drunkard and three nincompoops~_"

"**~We're all gonna die if we stay with this group~**"

"_~Have gun—_"

"**Hey 'Rama?**"

"_Yeah?_"

"**Ambush.**"

"_Doggone it._"

The group whipped around to find Kakashi bound by two spiked chains, held by two mist village ninja. Despite the assurances of Tazuna the bridge builder, the man they were protecting, he apparently was being hunted by ninjas.

"**Okay, seriously, what is it with these ninjas and the bondage!?**" Yoko loudly wondered.

"_Could we focus please?_" Kurama scolded him.

The two enemy ninjas pulled on the chains and Kakashi disintegrated into a pile of mush and dust, as the mission escalated from a C rank to a B or higher. Naruto barely had enough time to cry out for his late sensei before both ninjas were behind him. "Now it's your turn," they cackled, swinging their chains at him.

"_Jump left, jump left, jump left!_" Kurama shouted at him. Naruto stood rooted to the spot. "_Dang it!_"

Quick as a flash, Sasuke leapt into the air and nailed the flailing chains to a nearby tree with a shuriken and a kunai. He landed on his enemies' shoulders, and delivered a kick to their respective heads. Unfortunately, this also freed them from their chains. One took off after their target, the bridge builder, while the other headed straight for Naruto. Both Sasuke and Sakura leapt in front of Tazuna, before the two mist ninja were summarily clotheslined by Kakashi. Everyone looked up in shock at their not-dead sensei. "Hi," he said simply.

"_Well, that was close,_" Kurama sighed in relief.

"**Yeah, we're really sucking at the whole 'being the lost kid's conscience' thing,**" Yoko replied, stretching.

"_There's only so much we can do if he doesn't listen to reason,_" Kurama mused. "_Besides,_" he continued, picking up a tone of sarcasm, "_you shouldn't be _anyone's_ conscience. You'd fail at being _the devil's_ conscience._" Yoko just smirked at him, evilly.

"Hey," Sasuke suddenly spoke up, turning to Naruto.

"Yeah?"

"You're not hurt, are ya? Scaredy-cat."

Naruto was not one to take that lying down. He began to yell at his teammate before being cut off sternly by Kakashi. "Naruto! Stand still. These ninja have poison in their claws. We need to take it out of you quickly. You have to open the wound and remove it. It's in your blood, so don't move around."

"**Uhhhh...He does know that's not how the body works...like...at all...right?**" Yoko asked, his face screwed up weirdly.

"_Apparently, he doesn't really care,_" Kurama answered, shaking his head, "_he's now questioning our friend the lush._"

"We are now beyond the scope of this mission," Kakashi finished his lecture to Tazuna on deception.

"We're genin," Sakura added, "This is too advanced for our level of training. We should go back. . .and I really think we need to treat Naruto's wound and get the poison out as soon as possible. Back in our village, we can take him to a doctor."

"**Yay! Someone with a brain!**" Yoko piped up with his hands in the air.

"Naruto's hand could become a problem," Kakashi mused, then added with a sigh, "I guess we should go back to the village."

"**Is. . .he trying to goad him?**"

"_It would seem so._"

Suddenly, Naruto withdrew a kunai and stabbed himself in the hand.

"**What the hell!? Has everyone gone insane?**" Yoko cried out, "**We've got a drunk, an emo, two imbeciles who think they're smarter than everyone, and now this kid's taken up cutting. It's just a festival of behavioral disorders.**"

"_It's just like back at the lair,_" Kurama replied smiling, "_Or, you know, any typical afternoon with our detective group._" Yoko stared at him for a minute, then burst out laughing.

"**You know, I don't even have a retort for that, you're spot on.**"

Naruto had been speaking about his determination and was now finishing up, "upon this wound, I make this pledge, believe it: bridge builder, I'll complete this mission and protect you with this kunai knife. A real ninja never gives up and neither will I. Don't you guys worry about me, I'll be fine. Now let's go."

"Naruto," Kakashi spoke up, "Uh, that was . . . really cool how you took the poison out and all, uh, but if you lose anymore blood, you're going to die."

"**Does no one understand anything about the human body!?**" Yoko was shaking both hands in the air. "**He's not gonna bleed out from a wound like that!**"

Yoko's common sense had little calming effect on Naruto, however, as he began to freak out and wave his arms wildly.

"Naruto," Sakura scolded him, "you have a self-abusive personality! It's called masochism."

"**No, no, kid, see masochism is where you cut yourself and it turns you ****_on_****. Not freaks you out.**"

"_Are you seriously lecturing a twelve year old girl on the ins and outs of sexual deviancy?_"

"**Well, see masochism can be kind of interesting sometimes, because if. . .**"

"_Oh, God, what have I done. . ._"

* * *

><p>Next Time: Kick Him in the Nads! Kurama the Master Strategist.<p> 


	6. Chapter 5: Mist vs Sharingan

Did I mention I hate this arc? Also, you'd be surprised how hard it is to find stats on how long you can live without kidneys

* * *

><p>Chapter 5: Assassin of the Mist vs. Sharingan Warrior<p>

"_~Row, row, row your boat,~_"

"**~Gently down the stream,~**"

"_~Merrily,~_"

"**~Merrily,~**"

"_~Merrily,~_"

"**~Merrily,~**"

"_~We're going insane~_"

The group was now aboard a small motorboat, being rowed to the land of waves. Yoko sighed.

"**So 'Rama,**" he began.

"_Yeah?_"

"**What's our game plan now? We know we're basically up against a wussy Tarukane, but what are ****_we_**** gonna do?**"

While they had been in the boat, Tazuna had explained the reasons behind the ninjas hunting him. A certain shipping tycoon, Gato was none too happy about a bridge cutting in on his nautical shipping.

"_What do you mean?_" Kurama replied with his head cocked, "_I would think our game plan is mostly unchanged._"

"**I mean,**" Yoko explained, "**That the past couple times we've tried to give this runt the advantage of our enormous brains, he's summarily ignored us.**"

"_I've been thinking about that,_" Kurama told him without changing expressions.

"**Oh, this oughtta be rich,**" Yoko said, rolling his neck.

"_The only times his actions have corresponded to our suggestions,_" Kurama explained, "_have been either when he was calm enough to agree with our logic, or under times of high emotional stress._"

"**And this last time?**" Yoko asked, trying to look bored, but unable to hide his interest.

"_While it was under conditions of emotional stress, that emotion was fear. He would have acted in the way I suggested, if he could have acted at all,_" Kurama answered confidently.

"**It's an interesting theory,**" Yoko responded, yawning, "**but it doesn't change the fact that it's boring as all hell in here.**"

"_I'll admit, it's even starting to get to me._"

"**Hey, let's see if I can get him to jump in the water.**"

"_I don't think that's such a good—_"

"**Hey, hey Naruto! Jump in the water! There's ramen in the water! Ramen! Ramen!**"

"_Perhaps I need to rethink my—_"

"**Squirrel!**"

"Where?"

"Naruto, stop rocking the boat!"

"Whoa!"

*Splash*

* * *

><p>Next morning, the group continued; having reached the Land of Waves, they made their way towards Tazuna's house. The trip was made in relative silence, until Yoko scrunched his nose and spoke up. "<strong>There's someone in the bushes.<strong>" Naruto ran ahead and looked around frantically. "Over there!" Naruto yelled, throwing a kunai into the bushes. Nothing happened. "Humph, it was just a mouse," Naruto tried to sound suave, but this did not stop the rest of his group from chewing him out. "**No, you dumbass! On your left! Third bush to the left!**" Yoko yelled at him. Naruto flung another kunai, which only earned him a punch from Sakura. As they argued over the justice of this, Kakashi waded into the bushes to inspect the target. A small white rabbit lay twitching in fear against a tree. Naruto cuddled the poor creature, apologizing profusely, while Kurama threw a questioning glance at his partner. Yoko shook his head. "**I smelled more than a rabbit,**" he said simply. He sniffed a couple more times. "**Trees above us, two o'clock. Giant sword coming our way.**"

"Look out!" Kakashi called. True to what Yoko said, an enormous two-handed sword cam spinning from the trees. Everyone hit the deck as the blade spun over their heads and embedded itself halfway up another tree. A dark-skinned ninja with cow-patterned arm and leg warmers landed on the handle immediately after.

"Well, well," Kakashi spoke up, walking forward, "If it isn't Zabuza Momochi, rogue ninja from the Village Hidden in the Mist."

"**Nice pants, asshole,**" Yoko added.

Naruto ran forward to confront the newly christened Zabuza, but Kakashi held out his hand to stop him.

"You're in the way. Get back," Kakashi told him coldly.

"But why?" Naruto asked, indignant.

"He's not like those other ninja. He's in a whole other league," was the quiet reply.

"Kakashi of the Sharingan eye," Zabuza finally spoke, "did I get that right? It's too bad, eh? But you'll have to hand over the old man."

Silence reigned for a short while, as Kakashi mysteriously held his forehead protector.

"Now quick, manji formation," Kakashi said, finally breaking the silence, "protect the bridge builder. And stay out of this fight!" No one moved. "I taught you teamwork, now it's time to use it." Kakashi slowly lifted his headband, revealing a red, patterned eye and a scar running down his face. "I'm ready," he said with finality.

"Well, looks like I get to see the Sharingan in action," Zabuza said calmly as he turned to face them, "This is an honor."

"Everyone keeps saying 'Sharingan,' 'Sharingan'," Naruto piped up, annoyed at his confusion, "Will someone please tell me what Sharingan is?" Sasuke supplied the description: a dojutsu allowing the user to see and comprehend any jutsu used against them.

"You got it right boy," Zabuza spoke again, "But you only scratched the surface. The Sharingan can analyze an opponent's technique, and then, copy it to the smallest detail." The area began to fill with fog as Zabuza continued, "As for you, jounin, in the assassination unit of the Hidden Mist, we had a standing order to destroy you on sight. Your profile was in our bingo book. It called you: 'the man who copied over a thousand jutsu. Kakashi, the Copy Ninja'."

"**Really? They have a lot of potluck church dinners for the old folks in the assassination unit?**"

"_Yoko..._"

"**K thirty-two, Bingo!**"

"_You're a child._"

"**Ah, those jokes just aren't the same anymore.**"

"Enough talking," Zabuza went into a crouch on the handle of his sword, "I need to exterminate the old man. Now!" The three genin sprang in front of Tazuna, kunais drawn. "So I'll have to eliminate you first, eh Kakashi? So be it," Zabuza sprang into action, taking his sword with him.

"**Oughtta be a good show, at least, **" Yoko said with a shrug.

"_I hate this feeling of impotence,_" Kurama responded, lips pursed.

"**I think they make medication for that now.**"

Kurama responded by elbowing him in the ribs.

Meanwhile, Zabuza had landed on the nearby water and built his chakra, thickening the mist until the group could barely see. The wait was nerve wracking, not helped in the least by Kakashi's blithe explanation of Zabuza's "silent killing technique," and how his Sharingan couldn't fully deal with it. "Well if we fail, we only lose our lives."

"_Well that's a . . . healthy outlook._"

"**Seeeeeriously needs to get laid.**"

"The mist is getting thicker and thicker," Naruto remarked nervously. Sure enough, the vaporous clouds thickened until they couldn't even see their sensei. Zabuza began to taunt them from the darkness. "Eight points. Larynx. Spine. Lungs. Liver. Jugular. Subclavian Artery. Kidneys. Heart. Now, which will be my attack point?"

"**One of those organs is significantly less vital than the others.**"

"_I'll grant you the kidneys wouldn't be as instant of a kill, but they are still vital._"

"**I find it hard to believe they're as vital to life as your ****_jugular vein_****.**"

"_Fair point._"

"**Hey, action?**" Yoko asked with his head tilted. Kakashi formed a handsign and blasted chakra out in all directions, partially dispelling the mist. He stood for a moment, glowing from the burst.

"**Nope. False alarm.**"

As the suffocating silence continued, the genin began to lose their cool. Kakashi tried to keep them calm, promising to protect them with his life. "I will not allow my comrades to die," he said, turning with a smile, "Trust me."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Zabuza spoke from the mist. In the blink of an eye, he was in the midst of the genin, his back to Tazuna.

"**Wow. Fail.**" Yoko said blandly. Kurama sighed.

"It's over," Zabuza stated. Kakashi, however, was faster. The Copy Ninja leapt straight at his opponent, stabbing him in the side with a kunai.

"**Oooooh kidney shot,**" Yoko taunted, holding up both hands, "**He's done now, they're a vital organ.**"

"_When did you become a color commentator?_" Kurama shot back.

"**When I got sober,**" Yoko responded dryly, "**You know I get bored when I'm sober.**"

Meanwhile, topside, Zabuza had turned out to be a clone and collapsed into a puddle of water. The real Zabuza appeared behind Kakashi and unceremoniously sliced him in half. Only for Kakashi to dissolve into water himself.

"**Is it just me,**" Yoko began, scratching his head, "**or are these so called 'ninja battles' just glorified games of 'made-you-look'?**"

"_I've been coming to that depressing conclusion myself,_" Kurama confirmed, shaking his head, "_Either way, it's checkmate now._"

"Don't move," Kakashi warned, putting a kunai to Zabuza's throat, "Now it's over."

Yoko sighed shaking his face in his hand. "**Rookie mistake,**" he groaned, "**The old 'blade to the throat' is practically a freebie.**"

"_I'd say he's got ten more seconds to do it,_" Kurama appraised with pursed lips.

"**Oh, he's got him talking, we're done.**" Zabuza was in the process of complementing and explaining Kakashi's strategy, but he finished with a threat: "Nice try, but I'm not that easy to fool!" Zabuza appeared behind Kakashi again, as the clone who had been speaking dissolved. Kakashi ducked the swing this time, before being kicked into a lake Zabuza had created. Appearing behind him again, Zabuza trapped the leaf ninja in a small bubble of water and created another water clone. The clone berated the genin while he thickened the mist again. Lurching out from it, the clone kicked Naruto across the field, knocking off his headband. "You're just brats," it taunted.

"**Well this went south in a hurry.**"

"_I'd say it's time for us to step in._"

Kakashi, on the other hand, advised fleeing: "Listen! Get the bridge builder and run! You can't win this fight! He's using all his power to keep me in this prison, so he can only fight you with his water clone, but the clone can't go far from his real body. If you get away from him, he can't follow, now run!"

"**Well, thanks for the vote of confidence,**" Yoko said, rolling his eyes. He turned to Kurama. "**Battle plan?**"

"_Let Sasuke handle the clone. We've got to get his hand out of that ball._"

Yoko snickered. "**Okay, chief.**" Kurama sighed. Sasuke charged the clone, hurling several easily dispatched shuriken, before he leapt into the air for a downward kunai stab. Zabuza easily caught him by the throat and flung him across the field. Kurama was sighing way too much today. "_Okay, new plan; we do everything._" Naruto cowered in fear before the clone. "_We're screwed._"

"**This is ridiculous.**" As Naruto turned to flee however, he saw the bandage on his hand from his previous oath and stopped, filling with resolve. He stood and charged, despite the cries of Kakashi and Sakura.

"_Baseball slide!_" Kurama yelled out. Naruto dove for his headband and was once again kicked across the field. This time however, he had the forehead protector in tow.

"**Huh. Do they not have baseball here anymore?**"

"_You're not helping._"

Naruto slowly stood and addressed the clone. "Hey you. The freak with no eyebrows."

"**Oooh, he's learning. That was a good one.**"

"_Indeed, this should be interesting._"

"Put this in your bingo book: The ninja that will become Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves," Naruto continued, re-tying the headband, "he never backs down. His name's Naruto Uzumaki."

"_Pretty nice speech._"

"**Eh, six out of ten.**"

"Alright Sasuke," Naruto began after his dramatic pause to let the speech sink in, "Listen up, can you hear me?"

"Yeah, I hear you."

"I've got a plan."

"**Oooooh, ****_now_**** we're getting interesting.**"

"_Yeah, we're gonna throw _that_ right out the window._"

"**I see he's not the only one who's learning.**"

Kurama nodded with an eye roll.

"**In other news, pinky's got a boner.**" Yoko offered with a thumb jerk towards Sakura. Kurama moved his mouth for several seconds, unable to form any words, before sighing for what felt like the fiftieth time that day.

"_Focus! Please!_"

"**Fine.**"

"Okay, ready?" Naruto asked, wiping his mouth, "Let's bring this guy down." Zabuza laughed.

"Big words for such a little man," he taunted, "You think your plan's going to keep you in the game."

"What are you doing, I told you to run!" Kakashi yelled from his water ball, "This fight was over the moment I got caught, now take off! Your mission is—"

"_And apparently no—we're still talking,_" Kurama cut in exasperatedly shaking his head.

"**Now you see where I'm coming from.**" Yoko responded with a nod. "**I can dick around all I want, and by the time I'm bored with it, it'll be time for something to happen. The whole 'dramatic standoff' thing is a lot less interesting when you can't fight.**"

"_Hmph. I suppose I never thought of it that way._" Kurama said with a smile. Yoko smirked.

"**Well let's go then,**" he began, "**It's a wonderful day for a ninja battle in the land of waves, folks. I'm Yoko, 'Spirit Fox' Kurama, and with me in the booth is Shuichi 'The Brain' Minamino!**"

"_It's a pleasure to be here._"

"**Before we get started with the action, let's go down to the field to Kakashi for some background on today's opponent. Take it, Copy Nin!**"

"Long ago in the Village Hidden in the Mist, also known as Blood Mist Village, before a student could become a ninja, was one final test," Kakashi explained.

"You know about the graduation exam?" Zabuza asked.

"What graduation exam?" Naruto cut in, "What's the big deal anyway, we had graduation tests too."

Zabuza laughed. "Did you have to annihilate the other students to pass?"

"_That makes _no_ sense._" Kurama cut in.

"**What do you mean?**"

"_That would eliminate their _entire_ ninja class except one. They would only have one new ninja every year. That's not a viable long-term strategy,_" Kurama explained.

"**Huh. Yeah,**" Yoko responded considering, "**So they either had really small and frequent classes...**"

"_I suppose..._"

"**Or they f_ed like rabbits,**" Yoko finished. Kurama tilted his head and arms from side to side, looking for a delicate way to put it.

"_. . .Yes,_" he finally conceded.

"**Uh, well, thanks for that expert analysis, Brain,**" Yoko began again, picking up his game.

"_You're most welcome,_" Kurama said with a smile.

"**'Kashi, do you have any more insight on this?**" Yoko asked his "field reporter."

"Ten years ago, in the Village Hidden in The Mist, the graduation exam. . .changed. One year before, a dark evil filled the school with terror."

"**Really?**" Yoko asked in mock interest, "**What kind of evil?**"

"_Yes,_" Kurama added, "_The physical or the metaphysical kind?_"

Kakashi continued: "Without pause or hesitation, a young boy, who was not even a ninja, approached the class and took down over a hundred other students."

"**Holy crap.**"

"_Yoko, we're live._"

"**Oh, right, uh sorry folks!**"

"It. . ." Zabuza began, his voice slightly higher in pitch, "It felt so. . .good!" Out of nowhere the water clone launched and elbowed Sasuke in the stomach.

"**And we're off! Zabuza begins with a vicious elbow, sending Sasuke flying!**" Yoko called excitedly.

"_Naruto, draw kunai,_" Kurama said much more seriously. The clone flipped over and brought his elbow up, landing next to Sasuke.

"_Wait. . .wait. . ._"

Zabuza brought his elbow down.

"_Throw!_" Kurama yelled. The clone's elbow connected again with Sasuke's gut, blood spilling from the boy's mouth. The clone jerked its head up just in time to see a kunai rip through its chest. The clone dissolved into a puddle on top of Sasuke, as he struggled to his feet.

"Not bad boy," the real Zabuza spoke from across the field, "Your timing is impeccable. But there's more where that came from." He brought his unoccupied left hand up in a half handsign. "Water Clo—eh?" He cut himself off and brought his hand down to catch a kunai Sasuke sent toward his face. "Nice try, runt, but I'm a little too quick for that," he taunted, discarding the kunai.

"_Naruto, this is simple,_" Kurama instructed, "_You need to send two kunai at him, far enough apart that he can't block them both with one hand. Send one towards his head, one towards his testicles; repeat, if he leaps._"

Naruto chuckled nervously. "Wow, the pressure must be getting to me," he mumbled to himself, "I'm starting to make up words." Kurama held his head in his hand and growled.

"_One at his face! One at his junk! If he jumps, do it again!_" he yelled.

"Oh! Haha, wow, I'm a genius," Naruto said as he drew two more kunai.

"I'm afraid you'll have to come up with something better than just flinging kunai," Zabuza taunted. "Ha, too simple, boy," he continued at the kunai came at him. He made a short jump over the lower one as he caught the one meant for his face. His eyes widened as he noticed the second set. Grunting, he withdrew his hand from the water ball to catch the lower kunai, as he blocked the higher one. The water prison dissolved, and the two jounin leapt apart, facing each other. "Naruto, that was an excellent plan," Kakashi called to him, "you've really grown haven't you?"

Naruto laughed, "You bet! It just came to me!" The foxes smiled and bumped fists.

"I got distracted and lost my grip on the water prison," Zabuza justified.

"Don't flatter yourself," Kakashi taunted, "You weren't distracted, you were forced to let go."

"**I dunno man, six inches of steel headed straight for your manhood is ****_pretty_**** distracting,**" Yoko broke in, eyebrows raised. Kurama smiled.

Zabuza laughed, and leapt sideways. Kakashi pulled his head back in surprised, before leaping to follow. The two jounin faced each other, rapidly forming handsigns; they were perfect copies of each other. "Water Style!" They yelled in unison, "Water Dragon Jutsu!" Two spirals of water, topped with dragon's heads and even glowing eyes, rose from the water and spiraled around each other. As they lunged together, they bit, fought, merged and came apart again. Beneath them, Kakashi was holding off Zabuza's enormous sword with a kunai. Once the dragons had dispersed, the two leapt apart again, and stopped, one hand in the air, one in a half handsign. "Going to do next?" Kakashi spoke up with a strange question.

"**And now the mind f_ery begins,**" Yoko said with a smile.

"It makes you furious, doesn't it?" Kakashi asked.

"Ha! All you're doing is copying me. Like a monkey!" Zabuza shot back; then they both spoke in unison again: "You can't beat me with cheap tricks, I'll crush you!" By now Zabuza was furious; he began again with rapid handsigns, saying, "When I finish with you, you'll never open that monkey mouth again!" Kakashi once again copied him perfectly, but this time, Kakashi finished first.

"Water Style! Giant Vortex Jutsu!"

The water rose in front of Kakashi and blasted forward with unbelievable force, taking Zabuza with it. The rest of the water receded, as the vortex slammed Zabuza against a tree. Kakashi pinned him with several kunai and landed on the tree above him. "You're finished," he said simply.

"How?" Zabuza coughed out, "Can you see into the future?"

"Yes," Kakashi replied somewhat flippantly, "This is your last battle, ever."

Out of nowhere, two senbon impaled Zabuza in the neck. Everyone spun in the direction they came from.

"**Huh. I was wondering when that guy was gonna do something,**" Yoko remarked off-handedly.

"_Wait, how long has he been up there?_" Kurama sounded only slightly interested.

"**'Bout twenty minutes now.**"

"_And?_"

"**I thought maybe he liked to watch.**" Kurama ignored him.

Zabuza fell to the ground, and the mysterious, masked stranger in the trees spoke up, "You were right, it was his last battle." Kakashi leapt beside Zabuza and felt for a pulse. He found none. The stranger bowed. "Thank you," he said, "I've been tracking Zabuza for a long time, waiting for this chance to finally take him down."

"**He's lying.**"

"By you mask," Kakashi offered, "I see that you're a tracker ninja from the Village Hidden in the Mist."

"Impressive," the stranger replied, "You're well informed."

Naruto Crouched in a defensive stance, "Oh, a tracker."

"Naruto, you don't even know what that is," Sakura scolded him.

"**I don't like the smell of this guy, ****_at all,_**" Yoko broke in, ignoring her explanation.

"_Why?_"

"**He has the same scent as Zabuza. They're working together.**" Kurama remained silent.

"That's correct," the tracker confirmed, once Sakura finished her explanation, "I'm a member of the elite tracking unit of the Village Hidden in the Mist. It was my duty to stop Zabuza."

Naruto ran forward angrily growling and looking between the tracker and Zabuza. "What is this?" He asked, pointing at the tracker, "Who do you think you are?"

"**Ignoring him for the moment,**" Yoko began again, "**chances of our convincing them this guy's bad news?**"

Kurama considered for a minute. "_Nil,_" he said as Kakashi stood up, "_He's taken in the sensei._"

"**So we're screwed.**"

"_Pretty much._"

"**This is really starting to piss me off.**"

"In this world," Kakashi told Naruto, "there are kids who are younger than you, and yet, stronger than me."

"**Pah, you should see what goes on in Makai.**"

The tracker appeared next to Zabuza and shouldered the body. "Your struggle is over for now," he said, "I must deal with the remains. There are many secrets in this body. They must be allowed to get into the wrong hands. Please excuse me. Farewell." He vanished in a swirl of wind.

"**And like that,**" Yoko said with a sharp exhale, "**Everything we just did was pointless.**"

"_Just be glad nothing worse happened._"

"**Fine, whatever,**" Yoko replied, rubbing the side of his head, "**Where's a beer when you need one?**"

Meanwhile, Naruto had knelt and began punching the ground repeatedly. "What are we doing here?!" he yelled, "We're nothing! I can't believe it!"

"**Believe it.**"

"_I thought you hated that one._"

"**I do. Maybe if I fling it back at him, he'll dummy up.**"

Kakashi grabbed Naruto's hand, stopping his onslaught on the ground. "As ninja, the things we encounter are never easy," he told the boy, "Save your anger for the next enemy."

"**Which will be the last enemy.**"

"_And with the way things have been going, probably the _last _enemy._"

"**I'll drink to that.**"

"_Yoko, you'll drink to _anything_._"

"**I'll drink to that.**"

"Alright, let's get a move on!" Kakashi called out, before he fell flat on his face.

"_O-kay... That was unforeseen. What next?_"

"**Hey, dude, I said you needed to get laid, not laid ****_out._**"

"_Well I'd say the former is only a remote possibility now._"

"**Why?**"

"_You'd have to find a very specific type of girl._"

"**Heh. I'll drink to that.**"

"_I've got to stop throwing you gopher balls like that._"

* * *

><p>Next Time: Na-ru-to-o the ninja, strong as he can be! Watch out for that tree!<p> 


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